Red Flags in an Arranged Marriage, in the Person and the Family

Red flags in an arranged marriage are signs that something is being hidden or forced. The common ones are a rush to fix the date, answers that change, a family that speaks for the boy or girl every time, and hints about dowry. Demanding dowry is itself an offence, with six months to two years in jail under section 4 of the Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961.

One red flag does not mean the proposal is bad. It means you slow down and check before saying yes.

Red Flags in the Boy or Girl

These show up in calls and meetings. Watch for patterns over two or three conversations, not one awkward moment at the first pen paarkkum or ladki dekhna visit (the first meeting at the girl's home).

1. The story about the job keeps changing. He was "team lead" in the first call and "between jobs" in the third.
2. He or she cannot talk without a parent on the line, even after both families have agreed to let them talk.
3. Every question about the past gets a joke or a change of subject.
4. Anger at small things, like a late reply or the waiter at the cafe.
5. No interest in what you do or want. The whole talk is about his or her own plans.
6. Pressure to share your photos or live location early.
7. Different names or ages on different documents, or on social media.

Red flags in a girl are the same as in a boy. A girl who will not say whether she is ready for marriage, or who hints that she is being pushed into it, needs a gentle and private question, not a quick yes from the elders.

Red Flags in the Family

In an arranged marriage the family comes along with the person, so watch them as closely.

• They avoid questions about the boy's or girl's work, or about an earlier engagement.
• They do not want you to visit their home, only to meet at a hall or a relative's house.
• A brother or a grandparent is never mentioned, then turns up at the engagement.
• They speak badly about another family that "let them down" in an earlier proposal.
• They expect the bride to stop working, and say so only after the roka or nichayathartham (engagement).

One honest test: ask both families the same question in the same words, at different times. If the answers differ, ask why.

Process Red Flags, Like Rushing and Secrecy

The way the talks are run tells you as much as the people do.

Hurry is the clearest warning of all. Our page on NRI marriage fraud shows how often "his leave is short" is used to push a quick wedding.

When the Biodata and the Person Do Not Match

The biodata is the first promise a family makes. When the facts in it do not match what you see, take it seriously.

Check these fields against what you learn later:

• Age and date of birth, against the horoscope they sent
• Education, against the college he or she names in a call
• Job and company, against an office address you can look up
• Height, against what you see at the meeting
• Marital status, which must say Never Married, Divorced or Widowed honestly

A small mistake, like a height written as 5 feet 9 instead of 5 feet 8, can be a typing error. A different college, a missing earlier marriage or a company that does not exist is not a typing error.

Your own biodata should be just as accurate. If you are still making it, fill in a biodata with the true details here, because the other side will check yours too.

Money and Dowry Signals

Dowry is rarely asked for in plain words now. It comes as hints.

• "We don't want anything, but our relatives will expect a good wedding."
• "Whatever you give your daughter is hers."
• A list of "gifts", like a car, gold by weight or a flat.
• Questions about your property or your other children's marriages, early in the talks.

Under section 4 of the Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961, demanding dowry directly or indirectly is punishable with six months to two years in jail and a fine of up to ₹10,000. Our guide on what to do about a dowry demand covers the next steps.

Money can flow the other way too. If anyone from the boy's or girl's side asks you to send money for a hospital bill, a customs fee or a "business problem" before the wedding, stop all talk. That is a fraud pattern, and our page on matrimony fraud explains it.

Green Flags to Look For

Green flags are the signs that a proposal is going well. They are worth noticing as much as the red ones.

• They answer questions directly, including the awkward ones about loans or health.
• They let the boy and girl talk alone, with both families' consent.
• They invite you home, and introduce you to their relatives and neighbours.
• They ask you for the same documents you ask them for.
• They settle the wedding expenses openly, and write the split down.
• They are fine with a pre-marriage medical test and with registering the marriage.

A family that asks you questions too is usually a family that is serious.

What to Do If You Spot One

Do not accuse anyone at the first sign. Do these in order.

1. Write down what was said, and when. Memories change after a few weeks.
2. Ask the question again, politely, at the next call. Give a fair chance to explain.
3. Check through someone you trust: a relative in their town, a colleague at the same company, a neighbour.
4. If the doubt stays, slow everything down. Say you need more time. A genuine family will agree.
5. If you see fraud or someone asks for money online, report it on the National Cyber Crime Reporting Portal or call 1930.

Saying no is allowed at any stage before the wedding, even after the engagement. Our guide on how to reject a proposal politely has the words. For the questions to ask in the first place, see our list of questions to ask a boy before an arranged marriage, and more in our arranged marriage section.