Questions to Ask a Boy Before an Arranged Marriage

The questions a girl should ask a boy before an arranged marriage are the ones about her own life after the wedding. Will she keep working? Who does the housework? Where will you both live, and with whom? Does he have loans, and does anyone in his family expect dowry? Ask the light questions at the first meeting and these harder ones on calls before the engagement.

Many lists online stop at hobbies and favourite films. This one is for the girl, and for parents who want their daughter to go in prepared. For questions both sides should ask, grouped by topic, see our main list of questions to ask before an arranged marriage.

Ice-Breakers

Start easy. These help both of you relax at a pen paarkkum or ladki dekhna visit, or at a cafe.

1. What does your day look like, from the time you wake up?
2. What do you do on a free Sunday?
3. What are you watching or reading these days?
4. Which city would you love to live in, if work did not decide it?
5. Your biodata says you like cricket. Do you play, or only watch?
6. What did you think when your parents first showed you my biodata?

The last one usually gets a laugh, and an honest answer.

Values and Personality

These show what kind of person he is when nobody is watching.

1. Why do you want to get married now?
2. What do you think a husband should do at home?
3. How do you behave when you are angry?
4. Who do you go to when you have a problem?
5. What is one thing you will not compromise on in a marriage?
6. How do you treat people who work for you, at the office or at home?
7. When did you last say sorry to someone?

The answer to "why now" says a lot. "My mother wants me to" is common. It is not a bad answer, but it tells you whose wish is driving this.

Her Career and Independence

Do not wait for him to raise your career. Ask directly, and ask early.

1. How do you feel about my job after marriage?
2. If one of us has to move for work, who should it be?
3. Would you be fine if I study further, or take a government exam?
4. What if I earn more than you one day?
5. Will I keep my own bank account and my own salary?
6. Does your family expect me to change my surname?
7. Will I be able to travel for work, or alone with friends?

Listen for one word: "allow". A boy who says "I will allow you to work" sees your job as his permission to give. A boy who says "Of course, it's your career" sees it as yours.

Many women now keep their surname, or add his after theirs. Whatever you decide, his family should hear it from both of you, before the wedding cards are printed.

Household and Chores

This is the question girls are told not to ask. Ask it anyway. If both of you work in Pune and get home at 8 pm, someone still has to cook dinner, wash up and pay the electricity bill.

1. Can you cook? What can you make?
2. Who did the housework in your home growing up?
3. How do you think we should split the chores?
4. Will we have a cook or a maid? Who will manage them?
5. When your parents visit, who looks after them?
6. If we have a baby, who will get up at night?

A boy who says "my mother will handle it" has not asked his mother, and has not asked you either.

Family, Living Arrangement and Dowry

In most arranged marriages the girl moves to the boy's home or city. So this group decides most of her daily life.

1. Who lives in your house now?
2. Will we live with your parents, or on our own?
3. If we live together, will we have our own room and some privacy?
4. How often will we visit my parents? For which festivals?
5. If my parents need help when they are older, how do you feel about that?
6. How much do your parents decide for you?
7. Has anyone in your family spoken about dowry, gifts or "what the girl will bring"?

The dowry question is the one families avoid at the first meeting. Ask it before the engagement, plainly. Under section 4 of the Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961, demanding dowry, directly or indirectly, is punishable with six months to two years in jail. Giving or taking it carries at least five years under section 3.

Gifts are a grey area in many families. The same law allows presents that are given without any demand, if they are written in a list. "Give whatever you wish for your daughter" is still a demand, said softly.

Money and Debts

These are for a private phone call or the third meeting, never in front of both families.

1. Do you have any loans? Education, home, car, personal?
2. Do you send money to your parents or siblings every month?
3. Do you have any savings or investments?
4. One joint account, or separate accounts?
5. Who will decide on big expenses, like a house or a car?
6. Do you have any credit card debt you are still paying off?
7. Have you lent money to anyone that has not come back?

A home loan is normal. A personal loan he will not explain is not. Ask him to show you what he can, the same way you would share yours.

How to Read His Answers

How he answers is often more useful than what he says.

No single answer decides it. But three or four "we will see" answers on the big topics is a pattern. If something feels off, our list of red flags in an arranged marriage has more signs to watch for.

Hindi Version

Ladke se kya puche? Here are ten of the questions above in Roman Hindi.

If Something Goes Wrong

If his family asks for money or gold at any point, before or after the engagement, you do not have to go ahead. Our guide on what to do about a dowry demand lists the complaint routes. The National Commission for Women runs a 24-hour helpline, 14490, listed on the NCW website. For free legal advice, call NALSA on 15100, as given on the NALSA website.

Before you meet, read his biodata line by line. It already gives his job and native place, so your first questions can go deeper.

To see what a well-filled boy's biodata looks like, see our page on the biodata for marriage for a boy. He will come with questions of his own, much like our list of questions to ask a girl in an arranged marriage. More guides are in the arranged marriage section.