To reject a marriage proposal politely, reply within a week and thank the family for their interest. Give a short reason that blames nobody, such as "we feel the match is not right for our daughter". Close the door clearly, so they can move on.
The further the talks have gone, the more personal the no should be. After a roka it should be a phone call from the parents, never a text. Below are messages you can copy for each stage. Change the names, keep the tone.
How to Say No Without Hurting Anyone
Answer quickly. A family that is waiting for your answer is not looking at other proposals. Ten days of silence after a first meeting feels worse to them than a clear no on day three.
Be kind. Thank them for their time and for the tea. If you can, say something true and good about the boy or girl.
Make it final. Do not write "maybe later" or "let us see" when you mean no. The other side will keep waiting, and the uncle who brought the proposal will keep calling.
One more thing. Tell the person who brought the proposal. If a cousin or the family priest passed on the biodata, they should not hear the news from the other family first.
After Seeing the Biodata
This is the most common stage. No one has met, so a short message is enough. If you have not replied in two or three weeks, many families take it as a no, but a reply is kinder.
From parents, in English:
> Namaste Sharma ji. Thank you for sending Priya's biodata. We discussed it at home, and we feel the match may not be right for our son. We wish her and your family all the best in the search.
When the horoscope does not match:
> Namaste. Thank you for sharing Karthik's details and jathagam. Our jothidar checked the porutham and it did not match, so we will not be able to go ahead. We wish him a good alliance soon.
When the other side found you on a matrimony site:
> Hello, thank you for your interest in Anjali's profile. After talking as a family, we have decided not to take this proposal forward. Best wishes to you.
A horoscope mismatch is the reason most families accept without hurt feelings. Use it only if it is true. If the other family asks their own astrologer, they will find out.
After a Phone Call
After a family call, the other side has spent some time on you. Send a message within two or three days, or call back.
> Namaste aunty. Thank you for calling us on Sunday, and for speaking so openly about Rohit. We talked about it at home, and we feel the two families' expectations are a little different. So we will not go ahead. We are sure he will find a good match.
If the boy or girl spoke to each other on the phone:
> Hi Neha, thank you for the call last week. I enjoyed talking to you. I have thought about it, and I do not feel we are the right match for each other. I wanted to tell you directly. All the best.
After Meeting
After a pen paarkkum or ladki dekhna visit, the other family has hosted you, or travelled to see you. The answer should come from the parents to the parents, ideally by phone. A WhatsApp message can follow.
> Namaste Gupta ji. Thank you for the warm welcome on Saturday. Your family made us feel at home. We have talked with Ankit, and he feels the match is not right for him. We did not want to keep you waiting. Please give our regards to everyone at home.
From the girl to the boy, if they met alone at a cafe:
> Hi Arjun, thank you for meeting me on Sunday. I liked our conversation, but I do not feel the connection I would need for marriage. I hope you find someone who is right for you.
Keep it to four or five lines. Do not list what went wrong at the meeting.
After an Informal Yes or Roka
This is the hardest stage. Both families have told relatives. Sweets may have been exchanged, and a shagun given.
Call. The parents call the other parents. If it is possible, visit. Say plainly that you are withdrawing, say sorry for the hurt, and offer to return the gifts and shagun. Then send a short message so there is a written record.
> Namaste Verma ji. As we said on the phone today, we have decided to step back from the proposal. We know this is hard for your family, and we are truly sorry. We will return the shagun and the gifts this week. We wish Pooja every happiness.
Return everything that was given at the roka, including jewellery, clothes and the cash. Make a list and keep a copy.
If you are stepping back because the other side asked for money, gold or a car, you do not need to apologise. Demanding dowry is a crime under section 4 of the Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961, punishable with six months to two years in jail. Our guide on what to do about a dowry demand lists where to complain.
After the Engagement
Breaking an engagement is still allowed. An engagement is a promise between families. Under section 7 of the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955, a Hindu marriage is complete only when the ceremonies are done, and with saptapadi only at the seventh step.
Do it in person, parents to parents. Return the ring and the gifts. Settle any advance paid for the hall or caterer between the two families fairly, and write down what was agreed.
If the other family threatens you, or asks for money to "let you go", write down what was said. You can get free legal advice from the National Legal Services Authority on its toll-free helpline, 15100, listed on the NALSA website. For a woman facing harassment, the National Commission for Women has a 24-hour helpline, 14490, on the NCW website.
Messages from Parents to Parents
Most no's in an arranged marriage go from parents to parents. These three lines fit almost any stage:
> We are grateful you considered our family. After much thought, we feel this alliance is not the right one for our children.
> Our daughter is not ready to marry this year, and we did not want to keep you waiting. Please do not hold the proposal for us.
> We have decided to go ahead with another proposal. Thank you for your patience and for your kind words about our son.
Use the second line only if it is true. If she marries in six months, word will travel.
Should You Give a Reason?
Give a short reason, not a detailed one. "The match is not right for us" is a complete answer. Families expect some reason, but nobody gains from hearing that the boy talked too much or the girl's family seemed proud.
Reasons that work, if they are true:
| Reason | When it fits |
|---|---|
| The horoscopes did not match | After the kundli or jathagam check |
| Our son or daughter does not feel the match is right | After a meeting or calls |
| The two families' expectations are different | After a family call or visit |
| We are going ahead with another proposal | When you have said yes elsewhere |
| She or he wants to wait a while before marrying | Only when it is true |
Do not give a reason that sounds like a door left open, such as "his salary is a little low for now". The family will try to fix it.
Hindi Versions
Many families prefer to send the message in Hindi. Here are three lines written in Roman script, the way most people type them on WhatsApp.
> Namaste ji. Aapne Priya ka biodata bheja, iske liye dhanyavaad. Ghar par baat karke humein lagta hai ki yeh rishta hamare bete ke liye sahi nahi rahega. Aapko shubhkamnayein.
> Namaste ji. Kundli milan karwaya, lekin gun nahi mile. Isliye hum aage nahi badh payenge. Aapki beti ko jaldi achha rishta mile.
> Namaste ji. Ravivar ko aapne jo swagat kiya, uske liye bahut dhanyavaad. Ankit se baat karke hum is nateeje par pahunche hain ki yeh rishta aage nahi badhega. Maaf kijiyega, aur ghar par sabko hamara pranaam.
If you are still at the stage of looking for proposals, our guide to the arranged marriage process shows where each of these stages falls. And if you are about to send biodatas out again, make one here first. More guides are in the arranged marriage section.
Common questions
How Do I Say No After Seeing a Biodata?
Send a short message within a week or two: thank them for sending the biodata, say the match does not seem right, and wish them well. You do not need to call at this stage.
Do I Have to Give a Reason?
No, but a short general reason is polite. "The match is not right for us" or "the horoscopes did not match" is enough.
How Long Should We Wait Before Saying No?
Not more than a week after a meeting, and two weeks after a biodata. The other family is often holding other proposals while they wait for you.
Is It Too Late to Say No After the Families Agreed?
No. It is much better to say no now than after the wedding. Call the other parents, apologise, and return any gifts and shagun.
How Do I Say No After Engagement?
Parents should meet or call the other parents, return the ring and gifts, and agree on any shared costs. Then send a short written message so both sides have a record.
Can the Boy or Girl Say No Themselves?
Yes, if they have been talking directly. A short, kind message from them, followed by the parents informing the other parents, is the cleanest way.
Sources
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