Questions Parents Should Ask the Boy's Family, and the Girl's, Before Fixing a Marriage
Before fixing a marriage, parents should ask the boy's family about six things. Start with who lives in the home and where the couple will live. Then the boy's work and loans, his health, and whether he was engaged or married before. Last, what they expect for the wedding and gifts. The girl's parents should be ready to answer the same questions, because the boy's family will ask them too.
These are questions for parents to ask other parents, on the phone or at a visit. They are different from what the boy and girl ask each other. For those, see our list of questions to ask before an arranged marriage.
When to Ask, and How Many Visits
Most families meet two or three times before the roka or engagement. The first visit is for getting to know each other, and you ask only the easy questions. The second and third are for the serious ones: money, living arrangements, wedding expenses.
Do not try to cover everything over one plate of snacks. You will sound like a bank manager, and the other family will remember it.
Family and Home
These questions are fine at the first visit.
| Question | What you learn |
|---|---|
| Who all live in your house now? | Joint or nuclear, and who the girl will live with |
| What does everyone in the family do? | Brothers, sisters, their spouses |
| Is your house your own, or rented? | Stability, without asking about money directly |
| Which is your native place? Do you still go there? | Roots, and festival travel |
| Which customs does your family follow at weddings and festivals? | Roka, nichayathartham, fasts, temple visits |
| Who in your family takes the big decisions? | Whom to talk to when there is a problem |
Visit their home at least once. A meeting only in a hotel or a relative's house tells you much less.
Where the Couple Will Live
This decides the girl's daily life, so the girl's parents should ask it gently but clearly.
| Question | What you learn |
|---|---|
| After marriage, will they live with you or on their own? | Joint or separate |
| In which city? Is a transfer likely? | Whether your daughter must move, and how far |
| If they live with you, will they have their own room? | Space and privacy |
| How often do you expect them to visit, if they live separately? | Weekend expectations |
| Is the boy planning to go abroad? | Visa, timeline, whether she goes too |
If the boy is settled abroad, ask for his visa status, employer and address there, and do the checks in our guide on NRI marriage fraud.
Work and Money
Money is the topic families find hardest to raise. Ask it at the second or third visit, after both sides have shown interest.
| Question | What you learn |
|---|---|
| Where does he work, and what is his role? | Matches the biodata |
| Is it a permanent job, or contract? | Job security |
| Does he have any loans, such as a home or education loan? | Monthly burden after marriage |
| Does he support anyone else in the family each month? | How much of his salary is free |
| Is there family property or business? Who runs it? | Who controls money at home |
| How do you feel about our daughter working after marriage? | The family's view, along with the boy's |
Yes, it is fine to ask about income and loans. Ask about the range, not the exact salary, and ask in private between parents. "He earns around 12 lakh a year and has a home loan" is enough to plan with.
The girl's parents should be ready for the same questions. Her job and salary will come up, and so will any education loan.
Health and History
These are the most sensitive questions. Ask them last, after the families feel the match is serious.
| Question | What you learn |
|---|---|
| Does he have any long-term health condition, or regular medicine? | Something the girl must know |
| Would the family be open to a blood test before marriage, for blood group and thalassemia? | Openness on health |
| Was he engaged or married before? | Must be in the open from day one |
| Is there anything about the family that we may hear from someone else? | A chance to say it first |
A previous marriage is a legal matter as well as a personal one. Under section 5 of the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955, a Hindu marriage is valid only if neither side has a living spouse at the time. For a divorced boy or girl, ask gently to see the divorce decree. Do it before the engagement.
Expectations for the Wedding and Gifts
This is where many proposals go wrong, often after the roka. Settle it before.
| Question | What you learn |
|---|---|
| What kind of wedding does your family have in mind? Temple, hall, small or large? | Scale and cost |
| Roughly how many guests from your side? | Hall size |
| How do you see the wedding expenses being shared? | Who pays for what |
| Where would you like the wedding, your town or ours? | Travel and venue |
| Are there any expectations about gifts or what the girl brings? | Whether dowry is hidden in "gifts" |
Ask the last one plainly. Demanding dowry, even "indirectly", is punishable with six months to two years in jail under section 4 of the Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961. Section 3 of the same Act allows presents given without any demand, if they are written down in a list. A list helps both families later.
Red Flags for Parents
None of these alone means "no". If you see two or three, slow down. Check more.
- They will not let you visit their home
- The boy's job or salary cannot be confirmed, even after you ask politely
- They avoid the question of a previous engagement or marriage
- They hurry you towards the engagement in a few days
- A list of "gifts" appears, or talk of "what other families gave"
- The boy never speaks for himself in front of his parents
- The details in the biodata change between calls
If you are looking for a match for your daughter right now, our guide on how to find a groom for your daughter covers where to look and how to shortlist.
Polite Ways to Ask, in English and Hindi
The hard questions go down better with a soft start. These lines work on the phone or at a visit.
| English | Hindi (Roman script) |
|---|---|
| "If you don't mind, may I ask about his work?" | "Bura na maanein to unke kaam ke baare mein pooch sakte hain?" |
| "We only want to plan well for the children. Does he have any loans?" | "Bachchon ke liye achhi planning ho, isliye poochh rahe hain. Koi loan to nahi hai?" |
| "Where do you see them living after marriage?" | "Shaadi ke baad bachche kahan rahenge, aapne kya socha hai?" |
| "We do not believe in dowry. We hope you feel the same." | "Hum dahej mein vishwas nahi rakhte. Ummeed hai aap bhi aisa hi sochte hain." |
| "How would you like to share the wedding expenses?" | "Shaadi ka kharcha kaise baatna chahenge?" |
Rishta pakka karne se pehle kya puche? The checklist below is the short answer.
Printable Checklist
Copy this into a notebook or a note on your phone, and tick each one before the roka.
- Who lives in the house, and is it owned or rented
- Native place and family customs
- Joint or separate living after marriage, and in which city
- The boy's job confirmed, and whether it is permanent
- Loans, and money he sends home each month
- The family's view on the girl working
- Health conditions, and a blood test both sides agree on
- Any earlier engagement or marriage, with papers if divorced
- Type of wedding, guest count and how costs are shared
- A clear answer that no dowry or "gifts" are expected
- At least one visit to their home
- One relative or friend in their town who knows the family
Before the first visit, share a proper biodata with the other family, so the first talk can go past the basics. If you still need one, make a biodata in a few minutes here, and see our guide to writing the family details in a biodata. More guides for parents are in the arranged marriage section.
Common questions
What Should Parents Ask the Boy's Family?
Ask about the family and home, where the couple will live, the boy's job and loans, health, any earlier engagement or marriage, and their expectations for the wedding. Keep money and health for the second or third visit.
What Should Parents Ask the Girl's Family?
The same set of questions, the other way round: who is at home, her job and plans after marriage, any loans, health, earlier engagements, and the wedding they have in mind.
Is It Okay to Ask About Income and Loans?
Yes, at a later visit and between parents. Ask for a range, not the exact salary, and be ready to share the same about your own child.
How Many Times Should Families Meet?
Two or three visits before the roka is common, with at least one at the boy's home and one at the girl's.
What Red Flags Should Parents Look For?
A family that will not let you visit, a job that cannot be confirmed, silence about an earlier marriage, pressure to fix the engagement fast, and any talk of dowry or "gifts".
Sources
Related Guides
Still at the Biodata Stage?
Pick a design, fill in your details and download your biodata as a PDF or an image.