The questions to ask before an arranged marriage fall into seven groups, starting with daily life and work and ending with health and the past. Keep the first meeting light and leave money and health for later talks. Dowry is one question to settle early, because demanding it is a crime under the Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961.
The list below is for the boy and girl themselves, and for parents who want to know what their son or daughter should be asking.
How to Use This List
Ask a few questions at a time. Spread them over two or three meetings or calls. Nobody can answer 52 questions over one cup of coffee at the girl's house.
Each question is marked with a stage:
| Stage | Where it usually happens | What to cover |
|---|---|---|
| First meeting | The pen paarkkum or ladki dekhna visit, or a cafe with family nearby | Daily life, work, hobbies, why now |
| Later | Phone calls and second or third meetings, often without parents in the room | Money, living arrangements, children, health |
Listen more than you ask. The way a person answers a simple question about weekends tells you a lot.
Questions About Daily Life and Values
These questions show what an ordinary day with this person would look like, and they are easy to start with.
| Question | When |
|---|---|
| What does a normal weekday look like for you, from morning to night? | First meeting |
| How do you spend a free Sunday? | First meeting |
| Why do you want to get married now? | First meeting |
| Who are you closest to in your family? | First meeting |
| What do you do when you are angry or upset? | Later |
| How do you take a decision you are unsure about? Who do you ask? | Later |
| What is one thing you will not compromise on in a marriage? | Later |
| Who do you think should do the household chores? | Later |
The chores question sounds small. It is not small. If both of you work in Chennai and come home at 8 pm, someone still has to cook dinner.
Questions About Work and Career
Work decides where the couple will live, so these questions come early.
| Question | When |
|---|---|
| What do you do at work on a typical day? | First meeting |
| Do you like your job? Would you change it in the next few years? | First meeting |
| Do you plan to study further, like an MBA or a government exam? | First meeting |
| Is a transfer or an onsite posting abroad likely? | Later |
| How do you feel about your wife or husband working after marriage? | Later |
| Would you support a career break or a move to another city for your partner's job? | Later |
| How many hours do you really work, including calls from home? | Later |
For a girl who works in Hyderabad and a boy posted in Pune, the "who moves" question settles a lot. Ask it plainly.
Questions About Money
Money questions belong to the later meetings, but they must be asked before the engagement.
| Question | When |
|---|---|
| Do you have any loans, like an education loan, a home loan or a car loan? | Later |
| Do you support your parents or siblings every month? | Later |
| How should we handle money after marriage? One joint account or separate ones? | Later |
| Do you save regularly? Any big plan, like buying a house in the next five years? | Later |
| Who will decide on large expenses? | Later |
| Is anyone in your family expecting dowry or costly gifts? | Later, but before the engagement |
The dowry question is the one families avoid. Ask it anyway. Ask politely, and ask early.
Under section 4 of the Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961, demanding dowry from the bride's or groom's family is punishable with six months to two years in jail and a fine of up to ₹10,000. Giving or taking dowry carries at least five years under section 3.
If the answer is vague, or "whatever you wish to give your daughter", that is an answer too.
Questions About Family and Where You Will Live
In an arranged marriage, the couple marries into a family as well. These questions decide the day-to-day life after the wedding.
| Question | When |
|---|---|
| Who lives in your house now? | First meeting |
| Is your family joint or nuclear? | First meeting |
| Where will we live after marriage, with your parents or separately? | Later |
| If we live separately, how often will we visit each family? | Later |
| Who will look after your parents when they get older? | Later |
| How are festivals spent in your family, and at whose house? | Later |
| How involved are your parents in your decisions? | Later |
| How will your family feel if I keep working, or keep my surname? | Later |
Ask the boy's family and the girl's family the same questions. The girl's parents may also depend on her later, and that deserves the same respect.
A well-filled biodata answers some of these before anyone meets. Family Type, Native Place and the brothers and sisters lines are all in a marriage biodata, as we explain here, so the first meeting can go deeper.
Questions About Children
Children is a later conversation, but it should not be left for after the wedding.
| Question | When |
|---|---|
| Do you want children? | Later |
| How soon after marriage? | Later |
| How many children would you like? | Later |
| Who will care for the baby if both of us work? Will a grandparent help? | Later |
| What do you think about adoption, if we cannot have children? | Later |
| How should children be raised, in which school and with what language at home? | Later |
A boy who says "my mother will take care of the baby" has not asked his mother. Gently check.
Questions About Food, Faith and Habits
Small differences here show up every single day.
| Question | When |
|---|---|
| Are you vegetarian? Does your family eat egg or non-vegetarian food at home? | First meeting |
| Do you smoke or drink? How often? | First meeting |
| How religious are you? Daily pooja, temple visits, fasting days? | First meeting |
| Will I be expected to follow fasts like Karva Chauth or Shravan Mondays? | Later |
| Do you like to travel? Where have you been? | First meeting |
| Are you a morning person or a night person? | First meeting |
| How much time do you spend on your phone in the evening? | Later |
Diet is a field in the biodata too. If the biodata says "Vegetarian" and he orders chicken biryani at the first meeting, you have learnt something.
Questions About Health and the Past
These are the hardest questions, and they come last, usually after both sides feel the proposal is serious.
| Question | When |
|---|---|
| Do you have any health condition or regular medicine I should know about? | Later |
| Would you be open to both of us doing a blood test before the wedding, for blood group and thalassemia? | Later |
| Have you been engaged or married before? | Later |
| Is there anything from your past that my family may hear from someone else? | Later |
| Have you ever been treated for stress or anxiety? How are you now? | Later |
A previous marriage should already be in the biodata, under Marital Status. If the other side found out from a relative, trust breaks before it starts.
Questions for the Parents to Ask the Other Family
Parents have their own questions, and they are better asked between the two sets of parents than through the boy and girl.
| Question | When |
|---|---|
| Who should we call when we have a question, you or an elder in your family? | First meeting |
| Which customs does your family follow, like the nichayathartham or the roka? | Later |
| Roughly how many guests do you expect at the wedding? | Later |
| How do you see the wedding expenses being shared between us? | Later |
| Would you like the wedding in your town or ours? | Later |
These questions lead straight into planning the wedding. Our month-by-month wedding checklist shows which side usually books what.
Questions to Avoid at the First Meeting
Some questions put the other person on the spot, so keep them for later or leave them out.
- Exact salary, in front of both families
- Past relationships, while parents are listening
- Questions about looks, like skin colour or weight
- "Will you leave your job after marriage?" as the opening question
If you are still at the stage of making the biodata, you can start one in a few minutes here. More guides for families are in our arranged marriage section.
Common questions
How Many Meetings Should We Have Before Saying Yes?
There is no fixed number. Plan for two or three meetings and a few phone calls, and take more if the money and children questions are still open.
Can the Boy and Girl Meet Without Their Parents?
Yes, after the first visit, if both families agree. Meet at a cafe or a temple in your own town, and tell your parents where you are.
Is It Rude to Ask About Salary?
Not at a later meeting, and not in private. Avoid asking the exact figure in front of both families at the first visit.
What Should We Do If the Other Family Asks for Dowry?
Do not agree to it, even as "gifts" on a list they give you. You can get free legal advice from the National Legal Services Authority on its toll-free helpline, 15100, as listed on the NALSA website.
Should the Girl Ask the Same Questions as the Boy?
Yes. Every question on this page works both ways. That includes the one about who looks after ageing parents.
Sources
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